the end of an era....

Callie, 16 plus years, Jewelry Queen

Daisy, 15 1/2 years, Drama Dog

So, what a sad day at our house....

We had made an appointment with our vet to have her come and humanely euthanize Callie cat, as she was experiencing neurological stuff, plus doing circles all the time, and basically not eating.   She had shrunk to less than 5 pounds, and wore a perpetual knitted brow as if in pain.   

Daisy dog, although still eating and doing all those things, was also in decline, and the past few days more so than ever, culminating in last night and this morning, just wandering and staring into the distance, not settling down and whining.  A lot.  

Callie went quickly, and died in Beloved's arms.   

Then we exchanged looks.  Talked to the vet.  She looked at Daisy, and said "I agree."  

So I held Daisy in my arms, and let her go.  

These two were quite the divas in our household.   

Callie, the last Kentucky cat.  Ferocious hunter.   Brought home the Easter Bunny two years in a row, dead.  She was incredibly curious, and we had to make sure we knew where she was before any workpersons left our house who had an open van out front of the house.   She loved to play in the jewelry box.   She gave one last pop on the head to our youngest cat, Sophie, this morning, whom she felt she needed to discipline.  

And Daisy was my baby.   I got her my first year in seminary, and I would have NEVER made it through Hebrew with out her, and Yeong Mee, the tutor.   She loved peanut butter, hated being left alone.  Right from the start, she snuggled up to me in bed.   Other people loved her too, and often my friends would "borrow" her for the day.   Always serious, she was incredibly easy to tease.  Up to the last day, in fact.   She was just all that.  

She went home with me on breaks--to North Dakota and Florida.  She was welcomed along with me to my first call in North Carolina.   She hated the snow if it got caked up in her paw pads.  She had a best buddy, Tikky, in seminary, who later came to live with us when Yeong Mee moved back to Korea.  

She was smart.   Silly.  Earnest.   Dear.  

What a great friend you were, dear Daisy Dog.   

Thank you for the gift of your life, and for sharing the journey with me. 

Friday Five: DOG OR CATS?

Over at REVGALS, Jan writes:
In my experience in the United States, people are either "Dog People" or "Cat People." As the graph above illustrates, not everyone is limited to those types of animals. So I am wondering about pets and experiences with them.

1. Are you a DOG or a CAT person? Or OTHER?
I love them all. 
2. Who were the pets of your childhood and what were they like?
I had a dog named Benji who was a border collie.  We got him when I was in sixth grade, and he lived until after I graduated from college. 

3. What pets do you have now?
The current tally in the household is 3 dogs, 7 cats.  One of our cats died a couple of weeks ago.  However, we have had as many as 5 dogs and 9 cats.   It's quite the zoo. 
4. Have you ever had any unusual pets in your household or visit your home?
We have a lot of fosters that pass through our doors. 

5. What have you learned from your pets? Give one recent example, if possible.
Resilience.  Animals are so amazingly resilient.  
BONUS: Pictures or anything else related to animals you love.

Well, you asked for this:

Cooper and Fenway, two of our three dogs

Feeding Time.

Venus, best dog ever. She died a few years ago. 

Little Tikky.  She died two years ago.  She lost an eye to glaucoma, but it didn't slow her down. 

Wherever we go, the animals find us.   This was a bunch of baby chickens on the beach in Kauai.

Sweet, feral Sadie.  She died two weeks ago. 

Some of the animals make it onto my pottery!

Foster mama and her babies.  We ended up keeping  mama, and her name is Sophie. 

Literally, I picked this dog up on my way to church one Sunday.  He was running along the street as happy as he could be.  He just had a collar, and an outdated rabies tag.  So, I took him to church with me, and he hung out in my office during worship.   After worship, we did a little sleuthing work, and found his family.  Then, two days later, he got loose again! Silly bird.  My neighbor found him.  So, I took him back to his house AGAIN.  I think they fixed the fence then.  ;-)

Cat painting on the iPad.  It's the best app ever...a little mouse runs across the screen, and the cat tried to pounce it.  What a lovely painting, by Lucy. 

Scout, a very brief foster boy. He was a handful. NO manners.  But he got a great home. 

Titan, a long foster.  He was such a goofball.  His head was HUGE. Anyway, I loved him so much and we almost kept him, but then he ended up in the lap of luxury, adopted by a lawyer and a doctor. 

Lucky guy, he goes kayaking and swimming all of the time. 

Hennessy. Big smile, huh?  One of my unsuccessful fosters.  He was such a sweet boy with me, but he bit one of my dogs out of the blue.  He then ended up in a bad foster situation (no Alpha in the house) After a couple of bad biting experiences, he had to be put to sleep.  There are no bad dogs, just people who don't care for them properly. 

Rest in peace, dear one. 

Daisy.  Our oldest dog.  She is now 15.5, blind, deaf, and wears a diaper for incontinence. But it doesn't stop her one bit.  She prances around,shrieks for treats, and is a ball of spunk. 

This is Charley, our Hawaiian cat.  He lives in the condo complex we stay at when we go to the Big Island.  He shows up at every sunset in the quad area, because he knows people will feed him.  Sometimes he comes up to our condo and visits for awhile.  Especially if we have turkey to share. 

This is Callie.   She is 16 plus years.  She has kitty dementia, and walks in circles alot, meaowing. 

She is our princess, and we love her so, so much. 

There are more photos of the the others, but I have to get going!  Thanks for the play, Jan!

writing my way through

So,
in being gentle with myself,
I can err on the side of being lazy and non-reflective.
Well, maybe lazy, but the non-reflective isn't true.  I reflect, I muddle, I persiverate, I lose myself inside my unformed thoughts and forget to be present to my spouse, the moment, in my body...
you get it, right?

I am a big giant F on the Meyers Briggs (if you buy into that. I know that it has been debunked, kicked to the curb in some academic circles.)  The F seems to be pretty accurate for me, because I know that I simply feel, feel, feel before any words come to explain whatever the feeling is.

And in transition, I am a big giant F.  Feelings, no words.

It seems like a good idea to try to write a little, every day, even if I don't say anything.  Because, the feelings make me float.  The words, even if they don't make sense, ground me.  

I need the balance.

---

Honestly, I no idea in heaven or earth how I am being called.   I've been a pastor for the last 13 years, and a pretty good one.   I put my heart and soul into ministry, internally it feels right and good; and the external feedback is overwhelmingly positive.  

However...finding a call here has been confusing, to say the least.   It's sort of like a Goldilocks thing--I am too experienced, not enough experience, too old, too young, too gay, too creative...I don't know.
Enough about that--a rabbit hole I don't need to follow.

----
I need the balance.
Help me find Balance.  and Grace.
Amen.

Losing the Love

So,
I think I can process a little of my transition here, now, as I can tell my own story.

My congregation has been in transition the past two years--our SP resigned then.   In the scrambling of embracing the news, many people said, "Can't Karla just be our pastor?".   As flattering and affirming as that was,  I felt that it was important for me to support having an interim come in, as the SP had been with the congregation for 17 years.   I believe in intentional transition....although, in congregational polity, the congregation COULD do whatever it wanted.   Several congregations in my area have simply made the AP the SP, without the process, and the transitions have been fine.   However, for me, personally, I just felt that I needed to respect the work and possibility that emerges from interim ministry.  Especially the process of building a church profile.

There are myriad ways in which a search committee can choose to interview, when it is ready, an AP.  In some cases, it can use the Connecticut Conference model, which interviews the AP first, without receiving profiles of other candidates.  If the AP is not called, then, well, that person has already agreed to resign within six months (or before a new SP is called)--whatever is agreed upon.  This makes sense to me--it wouldn't be healthy to have an AP continue in an AP position when that person had been NOT selected to be SP.  Talk about possible opportunities for triangulation! undermining!--for ALL involved.

Another way to proceed is to open the search, and throw in the AP profiles in with all of the others.   This is what my congregation's search committee decided to do.   I wrestled a long time before I submitted my profile, because I had questions as to whether I could be a pastor and a candidate at the same time.  But, at the same time, I felt a call to this congregation.   So, with a bit of trepidation, I submitted my profile for consideration.   That was the first of October, 2012.  

I learned at the beginning of March, I was one of final three candidates.   On Wednesday, in Holy Week, I learned I was not the candidate of choice, and that the candidating weekend for the chosen candidate was the last weekend of April.   A month away--and yet the congregation wouldn't be notified until after Easter of the candidate.  So, three weeks.  

Immediately, with consult from colleagues, I crafted an exit plan, and wrote a letter of resignation.  Once I was a candidate for SP did I ever think I would stay as an AP, because of what I said earlier.  I wanted to make a way for the congregation to celebrate the new candidate.

So...it hasn't been easy, these past three weeks.  Some folk have expressed distress at my leaving, some have been surprised that I was NOT the SP candidate of choice, some folk truly bewildered that I would resign after learning that I wasn't the SP candidate.  Working out the details of leaving have been a little stressful, and disappointing.  I have moving with my own grief and sadness, along with wondering what the heck is next in ministry for me.  

It's been six years with this congregation.   I have loved them deeply.  We have done really great ministry.   I think what I am going to miss the most is the Love we have shared and built.   I know I won't lose love, but in a way, there is loss in leaving.   So it feels like it.

And so, I am sad.
I covet your prayers for this time of leaving.
Thank you.

Monday lazy

I had a slow start today...but then I realized, perhaps instead of thinking of it as a slow start, maybe I could think of it as a zen start.

As I listened to my beloved get up, feed the farmily, get ready for work, a parade of animals jumped on the bed for love. It was quite nice. First Lucy, then Eliot...and little snuggle with Cooper, and then Fenway needed some scritches behind the ears.

The eternal Nowness of the cats and dogs slowed and deepened my breathing. I rested in their funny sweet souls, and I was just content.

Content.
and ready for whatever will come my way.

I am grateful for these animal creatures who offer healing, and balm for my spirit.
Amen.

A Healing Space Friday Five

Over at RevGals, Deb shares the following Friday Five, for which I am grateful especially this morning as  my family and I are in lock-down because of the search for  Suspect #2 in the Boston Marathon bombings.  It's surreal...and so to focus on healing and comfort will be good. 

I am an enthusiastic newspaper reader. Lately, however, world events have made it hard to read and process the pain in the world around me. Perhaps you have struggled with this, too.

So, with the events of the violence and tragedy from the Boston Marathon fresh in our memories, I thought it would be good for us to focus on where as RevGalBlogPals, we find healing, peace and strengthening. As a chaplain, there are days where I never seem to catch my breath, and invariably, those are the days that I need it the most! So with all this in mind, share with us these healing things

1. A piece of music

2. A place

This would be Hawaii.

3. A favorite food (they call it "comfort food" for a reason)

Just kidding. But I am pretty sure an adult beverage will be comforting at the end of this day.  Right now, my comfort food is a lovely cup of coffee; and breakfast when my beloved gets finished with all of her conference calls (she is on the emergency management team at a Big University that never closes but it closed today).....

4. A recreational pastime (that you watch or participate in)

I love to hike.  This is a picture of the Fells, which is a huge wonderful green space really, really, really close to where we live. 

I also like to garden. In spite of not being hugely successful, I still enjoy harvesting a cucumber. Whoops. That's a zucchini.   There is a reason I might not be successful if I can't identify the vegetables I try to grow. 

5. A poem, Scripture passage or other literature that speaks to comfort you.

Also, Psalm 46. 
BONUS: People, animals, friends, family - share a picture of one or many of these who warm your heart.

I can get carried away here with the animal pictures. So I will stop now. 

Thanks for this Deb, again!

A prayer...

...this morning, I think, 

will be somewhat complicated,

and awkward.....

and I pray for grace.

Grace to open the way, 

and 

grace to care for myself 

in the midst of this. 

sometimes I can 

accommodate to the point

where I might ignore myself

in order to 

to please others. 

balance, God, 

balance.

keep me in balance. 

amen.